If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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