i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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