I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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