I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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