he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
