Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
