How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
