Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
