So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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