I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
