I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
