I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
