mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
