meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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