Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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