I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
