Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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