Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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