RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
