Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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