Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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