I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
