yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
