I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
