she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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