You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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