Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
