Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
