Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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