just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
