Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
