There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
this will be a night to untag.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
