Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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