My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
