You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
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just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
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I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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