I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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