Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
