My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
