Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
