I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
