i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
