I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
