Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I am mentally ready for anal.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
