I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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