She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
