I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Pooping to opera.
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