I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
