You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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