I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
