i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Is it because I queefed?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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