I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
