i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
