Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
