If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
