ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
