90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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